A Shot in the Dark
For some time, I've been contemplating capturing the "behind closed doors" aspect of Chronic Illness. Not the illnesses people are familiar with, but the ones that often go unnoticed. The ones where people say, "But you look okay" or "But you were fine yesterday." These are phrases I've heard all too frequently.
I, too, spent many years trying to keep my illness confined to the walls of my home. I'd do my best to appear "normal" in public, only to retreat into darkness later, exhausted from living two entirely different lives. It wasn't because I wanted to hide it; I was just weary of constantly explaining myself, so I tried to pretend it didn't exist.
When I reached my breaking point, I decided to reveal to the world what really happened when I disappeared or fell silent. But how could I accomplish this while struggling to pull myself out of a deep, dark pit? I found that it was virtually impossible to do both. As hard as I tried.
It's not that I don't want to show this part of myself, I do...I just can't both. I have found after 2 years, it is physically impossible.
But how could I ask others to participate when I know how vulnerable this part of our lives is? How could I ask them to let me in when they're at a point where they want nobody else around? This is a time when they want everyone to understand what's happening, yet they want nobody to witness it firsthand.
Finally I realized, I just needed to ask. I know that this requires courage, vulnerability and trust. Something I myself and willing to give in return.
For those of you who are willing to let me into this part of your lives, I will also share these parts of myself with you too.
BUT WHAT DOES THIS LOOK LIKE?
This is where it will differ with each person I think.
It will really depend on what each person is willing to share, and how. It will be a personal conversation with each of you...as to what you want to show. Or IF you can show it.
I personally always imagined somehow capturing what it looked like on the days I couldn't function. If I could somehow capture myself laying in bed staring at the walls, or sitting in the same position for more than the allotted time because of my mental freeze, or the days I haven't showered because my arms can't go above my head.
If I could capture the days I find myself crying in the darkness of my closet, or walking slowly to the bathroom as my legs shake, holding my right arm because my shoulder has gone out again.
Then I would capture it all. I wouldn't recreate it. I would capture it in the moment.
(but truth be told...I'm not thinking of wanting to capture the moment when I'm in it. I'm too far gone by that point.)
And I know, for some of you, it would be the same thing.
I know it is easy to talk and plan a shoot when things are going ok. But...what about when it's not?
The easy thing to do is say, let's plan a day and I come in and shadow you...Grab some black and white documentary style photos of you in your element and interview you about your illness. Grab shots of you, on a day you know you are not feeling your best.
But...do you feel that is enough? If so...let's talk. If you want to go deeper and get me in there on the darkest days. Let's talk.
You tell me, How do you want to do this?
What are your thoughts?
Want to Participate?
Want to Participate or have some thoughts about it? Send me an email and let's talk. I look forward to a collaboration and thank you in advance for your trust.